For the past 10 years, I have delivered a guide on how to get through the office Christmas party.

In the spirit of what LinkedIn has become, this year I am giving you an unfiltered and very unsolicited guide that you can use at your own discretion to spice things up.

1. Drink the bar dry: Inflation and rates are up. Did your salary rise 5.4% like inflation? Did you get one at all?
Make sure you drink to make up for it. Reach for the top shelf, make them pay.

2. Speaking of pay, use the Christmas party as a chance to hit your Manager up for a raise. It's the perfect time to do so as it is the holidays and they will be in a jolly mood.

3. Give gifts people actually want in the office Kris Kringle/Secret Santa. No more scented candles or movie vouchers - Packets of smokes, OnlyFans subscriptions, and therapy sessions are what everyone really wants.

4. Tell your married office crush that you are in love with them.

5. Double down on 4 with a little mistletoe.

6. Start a fight with your office nemesis who has been outperforming you all year. They are the real reason why you are on a performance plan.

If you don't have a nemesis, get political and take on a hard left or hard right agenda (For best results swap political views as needed)

7. Take out insurance - film everyone and everything. People love being filmed while letting their hair down. Bonus: You will be able to relive how much of a legend you are on your social media story the next morning.

8. When you are cut off, be sure to tell the bartender that you are fine and that you have only had a "couple of drinks". When refused again, make sure you hit them with a "Do you know who I am?!"

9. If you get kicked out, now is not the time to go home. The real Christmas party has just begun. Double points for abusing the bouncer who kicked you out.

10. Strippers anyone?

11. Get lots of raw onion and garlic sauce in that kebab.

12. Be sure to wake up everyone in your household when you get home at 4.30am, They will love you for it.

And that is it, A complete how-to guide on how to crush your office Christmas party and career.

Season's Greetings everyone!

Will McPhee

#hohoho

#thisissatire

#pleasedononeoftheabove